Cash Cows – economics explained for everyone

An updated version of a golden oldie , many of you may have come across this before but it’s had some new additions.

SOCIALISM
You have 2 cows.
You give one to your neighbour.

COMMUNISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and gives you some milk.

FASCISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and sells you some milk.

NAZISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and shoots you.

BUREAUCRATISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then throws the milk away.

TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.
You sell them and retire on the income.

SURREALISM
You have two giraffes.
The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.
Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why the cow has dropped dead.

ROYAL BANK OF SCOTLAND VENTURE CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of Credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then you execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows.
The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company.
The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more.
You sell one cow into a buy-back pension plan for the president of the bank, leaving you with nine future cows.
No balance sheet is provided with the release.
The public then buys your bull.

A FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows. The EU pays you not to milk them.
You go on strike, organize a riot, and block the roads, because you want to be paid not to milk three cows.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
You then create a clever cow cartoon image called ‘Cowkimon’ and market it worldwide.

A GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves – all in a sterile environment.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows, but you don’t know where they are.
You decide to have lunch.

A RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You count them again and learn you now have twenty cows.
You count them again and inform the world you have 42 cows.
You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

A SWISS CORPORATION
You care for 5000 cows. None of them belong to you.
You charge the owners for storing them.

A CHINESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You employ 300 people to milk them.
You claim that you now have full employment, and high bov ine productivity.
You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.

AN INDIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You worship them.

A BRITISH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
One is mad and the other has had to be put in storage because of the health and safety risks of milking it.

AN IRAQI CORPORATION
Everyone thinks you have lots of cows.
You tell them that you have none.
Nobody believes you, so they bomb the crap out of you and invade your country.
You still have no cows, but at least you are now a Democracy.

AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Business seems pretty good.
You go for a few beers to celebrate.

A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION
You have two cows.
The one on the left looks very pretty.

THE HOUSE OF COMMONS ECONOMIC MODEL
You are an MP and have one cow.
Your Prime Minister says he can’t give you a pay raise as it wouldn’t go down well with the voters.
Instead he tells you to buy a second cow on credit and charge the interest to expenses. You then milk it for all it’s worth.
You buy a moat to prevent it from escaping and put a floating duck house in the moat so the cow has the company of wildlife.
You buy a three piece antique leather suite to sit on so you can be comfortable while milking the cow and of course a chandelier to light up the cow-shed. You also buy a 50″ plasma TV and two DVD players to watch whilst milking everyone as well as the cows.
Then you employ a company of consultants to tell you how to redecorate the cows. Then buy some hand-made wallpaper to cover the cows. All of which you claim on your expenses.
Now you ‘FLIP’ your cows, and milk your original cow for all it’s worth.
This time you buy it several imitation Tudor oak beams, an Italian portico and a BBQ for those fine summer evenings – oh plus a couple of porn videos and a bath plug.
Now you flip your cows again to avoid Capital Gains Tax, treat the secondary one as a cash cow, and sell it for a large profit, pocketing all the money.
As you continue claiming interest on the cost of the cow you sold 6 months earlier, you get promoted and become a Minister of State.

Then you retire on the very large pension that the public have so kindly – if unknowingly – provided for you.

There you are: modern-day economics explained, with a healthy dose of humour added to leven its mundanity.
Thanks for the email Chris!

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